Myself Series III: All by myself
by toobeauty
Summary: Sequel to "King of myself"
1. all by myself

TITLE: All by myself.

AUTHOR: Too_beauty.

PAIRING: Hephaestion and Alexander.

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Historical AU.

DISCLAMER: I don't know the people involved, they belong to History and to themselves but I wouldn't mind sharing my life with him. *sighs*

WARNING: None, just some angst.

**NO BETA so all mistakes are mine. I know I swore not to write again without a beta but couldn't stop my heart.**

FEEDBACK: comments are love!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The words in block capital letters belong to the lyrics of "Fall to pieces" by Velvet Revolver. This is a sequel to "King of myself" and the last of the Myself series.

Five years later.

"Read me that letter again please, Stephanos" asked Alexander to the former Chiliarch page.

"Yes, Sire. To Alexander,

We have heard about your many victories and we are delighted and honored to say that we are part of your vast Empire.

As regards our friend, he is still living on a farm, which is famous for his horses and healing herbs. I saw him some months ago and he was with good health; he was holding a baby in his arms and talking to a woman. He didn't see me but in a moment, he looked towards where I was hiding in the bushes; I suppose he hadn't lost his remarkable skills of soldier and scout. I sent one of my servants to buy some fruits and he chatted with one of the kitchen maids, who had a loose tongue, and he knew that he was a good master, always worried about their health and needs. She also told him that he was always working hard on the fields, but that his afternoons were devoted to his scrolls and his two small boys.

I hope you are getting better, my friend.

Theo"

"It seems as if he had moved forward, Stephanos; I knew he would get what I could never give him" said Alexander, turning his head to the soft warmth of the evening sun. He frowned. "Is the sun still up?"

"Yes, Sire, but not for long, some stars are showing in the sky now, which is going to be pitch-black today."

"I see" said Alexander and laughed "metaphorically speaking" he added.

"Things will get better, Sire, you'll get over it."

"I don't think so; it has been six months and I haven't noticed the slightest recovery."

"Give it time, you were badly hurt."

"I know Stephanos, I know very well but I also think that darkness will be my loyal partner from now on."

"Sire, don't do that, don't feel pity for yourself; you are not like that."

"I don't know what I am anymore. I need to rest Stephanos, I feel tired" Alexander said with tiredness.

"I'll come back with the dinner."

"Don't worry, I am not hungry."

"You should eat Sire; you must recover your strength."

"No, my strength went away five years ago with him, what still keeps me moving is the feeling of guilt"

"Don't be so hard, he wouldn't like to see you like this" Stephanos warned.

"Of course, he wouldn't, and he was right when he told me I was not a god; I am just a poor, broken and weak mortal. Go Stephanos, I will call you if there's something I need."

Alexander laid on his back on the big bed, then curled into a tight ball and whispered between clenched lips "Good night Phai"

It was early spring, nature was blooming slowly and a brunette man was looking at his herbs, removing the weeds and searching for dangerous bugs. He saw a person walking down the road and heading towards him.

"Joy to you, Sire, is this Amyntoros' farm?"

"Yes, who is asking?"

"My name is Helena and I am looking for some healing herbs" the woman said.

"What for?"

"My son is looking after his master, who lost his sight after being knocked down during a battle" the woman explained.

"Herbs won't heal him, he may have pressure inside his head due to the concussion" Hephaestion said.

"He had none of that, his doctor had already checked for that but he thinks that due to his mental breakdown and stress, the nerves in his eyes had gone limp so he needs something to strengthen them."

"I can give you some but I can't assure you it will work. How long has he been like this?" Hephaestion asked.

"Eight months by now but he is strong; I have faith in him"

"You said he is a soldier, is he old?"

"No, he will be 38 this summer" Helena said.

"Pity being still young" added Hephaestion.

"Yes, especially with so many dreams still to achieve"

"Let me fetch them" Minutes later, Hephaestion came back with a bunch of herbs, carefully tied and kept into a cotton bag. "Here you are" the brunette said, handing the packet to Helena.

"How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, I was a soldier too, take it as a gift for the warrior, and come back for more if needed."

"Thank you very much, may the gods grant you a good and long life, sire"

"Thanks, and let me know how he is doing"

"I will sire, I will"

Two months later, the farm was a paradise, the herbs were fully blossomed, many animals had been born in the last days and the women in the kitchen were busy cooking and stocking the barn.

A short blonde approached and asked for the master. Hephaestion turned round and asked with surprise:

- "Stephanos, Is that you?"

- "General Hephaestion, yes it is me, good to see you again."

- "What a surprise, what are you doing here?"

- "You told my mother that she could come back for more herbs if she needed them"

- "Helena? Was that woman your mother? The one looking for herbs for a blind soldier?"

- "Yes, she was" said Stephanos getting a bit nervous.

- "Do you have a brother, Stephanos?"

- "No, I don't, Sire. Why?"

- "So You are the one looking after your master."

- "Yes …" he said casting down his eyes.

- "Take me to him, Stephanos."

- "To whom, Sire?"

- "You know who; tell me what happened?"

Stephanos was about to start his explanation when a little blond boy interrupted:

"Father, breakfast is ready"

"That's fine, Lysander, let's go, join us and share our morning meal, Stephanos."

The page followed them, one the former Chiliarch of the Macedonian Empire, the other a small boy , not taller than Hephaestion's waist, walking slowly towards the house; they sat at the table where another blonde, this time a young woman, was already sat, holding a one-year old boy; she greeted him and continued feeding the baby.

Hephaestion served him and they ate in silence. When the breakfast was over, Hephaestion approached the woman and told her he was going to be away for a couple of days, and that she would be in charge of the farm with the help of the eldest groom. She nodded and bade them farewell.

They arrived when Helios was going down on the horizon. They rode through the open gates and greeted the soldiers posted there, who were astonished to see the former General. They rode passed the palace and Hephaestion asked where they were going and Stephanos said that Alexander was not staying in the main part of the palace but in the furthest wing, the one next to the back garden, Hephaestion's secluded spot in the building.

A groom took the horses and Helena let them enter the kitchen where she was preparing the evening meal.

"By Zeus, you are back" she said hugging her son and greeting Hephaestion with a wide smile, "Joy to you, master Amyntoros"

"Helena, is that Stephanos's voice the one I hear?" asked a very familiar voice which brought tears to the former Chiliarch's eyes.

"Yes, Sire, he's on his way to see you" answered Helena and added "Why don't you surprise Alexander?"

"I don't know, will he let me in after five years?" Hephaestion asked nervously.

"I am sure he will."

Hephaestion entered the dark room, walked to his former lover's side and said, with his baritone voice:

"You never like the darkness, Xander"

Alexander gasped and answered mumbling:

"She has … she has been my companion for nearly a year, Phai"

"That's what I heard" added Hephaestion while sitting next to him, feeling uneasy.

Alexander with his chin touching his chest, confessed his thoughts to his soul mate:

"IT'S BEEN some YEARs SINCE YOU 'VE BEEN GONE, I'VE BEEN ALONE HERE and I'VE GROWN OLD and useless, I FALL TO PIECES, everyday a bit more, I'M FALLING even though you are here, I FELL TO PIECES when you went AND I AM STILL FALLING, over and over again."

Alexander, lifting his head, turned his blind eyes to Hephaestion and added:

"EVERY TIME I AM FALLING DOWN, nobody can help me to be up again; ALL ALONE I FALL TO PIECES and I can't put the pieces of this puzzle, that is my life, together again.

I KEEP A JOURNAL OF MEMORIES, those I shared with you and when I AM FEELING LONELY and I CAN'T BREATHE, I ask someone to read to me those happy moments I spent with you; but then I realize that those memories are my past and that you are not coming back so I FALL TO PIECES again, I AM FALLING deeper every time, I FEEL TO PIECES and remained broken AND I'M STILL FALLING and I don't find the end of it.

ALL these YEARS I'VE TRIED WITH MORE TO GO but it was useless, and I was afraid and wondered "WILL THE MEMORIES DIE?" and leave me empty; "WILL I FIND YOU at the end of the way?" CAN I FIND YOU and ask you to stop because WE'RE FALLING DOWN but I'M FALLING deeper. Will you be there to stop my fall or will I go on being all by myself? " Alexander asked Hephaestion who remained silent.

After some minutes, Hephaestion sighed loudly and whispered:

" I am sorry Alexander but you are too broken and I am too late"

"So why did you come back?" asked Alexander trying to stop his sobs.

"We both needed closure, you more than me; I have someone else to go back, someone who respects and needs me. The first time I needed you to stop me but even in your noble attitude, you were selfish, so you set me free because you thought I wouldn't dare to go; now I came back to tell you that "We" doesn't longer exist"

The former silver boy, the moon to his sun, the soul mate, the other half of his life turned round and left the room, without looking back to the broken man, because it was late, because the love between them was gone, because both of them were on their own.

Finis


	2. Alternative ending

TITLE: All by myself – alternative ending

AUTHOR: Too_beauty.

PAIRING: Hephaestion and Alexander.

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Historical AU.

DISCLAMER: I don't know the people involved, they belong to History and to themselves but I wouldn't mind sharing my life with him. *sighs*

WARNING: None, just some angst.

**NO BETA so all mistakes are mine. I know I swore not to write again without a beta but couldn't stop my heart.**

FEEDBACK: comments are love!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The words in block capital letters belong to the lyrics of "Because you love me" by Celine Dion. This is a sequel to "King of myself" and the last and alternative ending of the Myself series.

Five years later.

"Read me that letter again please, Stephanos" asked Alexander to the former Chiliarch page.

"Yes, Sire. To Alexander,

We have heard about your many victories and we are delighted and honored to say that we are part of your vast Empire.

As regards our friend, he is still living on a farm, which is famous for his horses and healing herbs. I saw him some months ago and he was with good health; he was holding a baby in his arms and talking to a woman. He didn't see me but in a moment, he looked towards where I was hiding in the bushes; I suppose he hadn't lost his remarkable skills of soldier and scout. I sent one of my servants to buy some fruits and he chatted with one of the kitchen maids, who had a loose tongue, and he knew that he was a good master, always worried about their health and needs. She also told him that he was always working hard on the fields, but that his afternoons were devoted to his scrolls and his two small boys.

I hope you are getting better, my friend.

Theo"

"It seems as if he had moved forward, Stephanos; I knew he would get what I could never give him" said Alexander, turning his head to the soft warmth of the evening sun. He frowned. "Is the sun still up?"

"Yes, Sire, but not for long, some stars are showing in the sky now, which is going to be pitch-black today."

"I see" said Alexander and laughed "metaphorically speaking" he added.

"Things will get better, Sire, you'll get over it."

"I don't think so; it has been six months and I haven't noticed the slightest recovery."

"Give it time, you were badly hurt."

"I know Stephanos, I know very well but I also think that darkness will be my loyal partner from now on."

"Sire, don't do that, don't feel pity for yourself; you are not like that."

"I don't know what I am anymore. I need to rest Stephanos, I feel tired" Alexander said with tiredness.

"I'll come back with the dinner."

"Don't worry, I am not hungry."

"You should eat Sire; you must recover your strength."

"No, my strength went away five years ago with him, what still keeps me moving is the feeling of guilt"

"Don't be so hard, he wouldn't like to see you like this" Stephanos warned.

"Of course, he wouldn't, and he was right when he told me I was not a god; I am just a poor, broken and weak mortal. Go Stephanos, I will call you if there's something I need."

Alexander laid on his back on the big bed, then curled into a tight ball and whispered between clenched lips "Good night Phai"

It was early spring, nature was blooming slowly and a brunette man was looking at his herbs, removing the weeds and searching for dangerous bugs. He saw a person walking down the road and heading towards him.

"Joy to you, Sire, is this Amyntoros' farm?"

"Yes, who is asking?"

"My name is Helena and I am looking for some healing herbs" the woman said.

"What for?"

"My son is looking after his master, who lost his sight after being knocked down during a battle" the woman explained.

"Herbs won't heal him, he may have pressure inside his head due to the concussion" Hephaestion said.

"He had none of that, his doctor had already checked for that but he thinks that due to his mental breakdown and stress, the nerves in his eyes had gone limp so he needs something to strengthen them."

"I can give you some but I can't assure you it will work. How long has he been like this?" Hephaestion asked.

"Eight months by now but he is strong; I have faith in him"

"You said he is a soldier, is he old?"

"No, he will be 38 this summer" Helena said.

"Pity being still young" added Hephaestion.

"Yes, especially with so many dreams still to achieve"

"Let me fetch them" Minutes later, Hephaestion came back with a bunch of herbs, carefully tied and kept into a cotton bag. "Here you are" the brunette said, handing the packet to Helena.

"How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, I was a soldier too, take it as a gift for the warrior, and come back for more if needed."

"Thank you very much, may the gods grant you a good and long life, sire"

"Thanks, and let me know how he is doing"

"I will sire, I will"

Two months later, the farm was a paradise, the herbs were fully blossomed, many animals had been born in the last days and the women in the kitchen were busy cooking and stocking the barn.

A short blonde approached and asked for the master. Hephaestion turned round and asked with surprise:

- "Stephanos, Is that you?"

- "General Hephaestion, yes it is me, good to see you again."

- "What a surprise, what are you doing here?"

- "You told my mother that she could come back for more herbs if she needed them"

- "Helena? Was that woman your mother? The one looking for herbs for a blind soldier?"

- "Yes, she was" said Stephanos getting a bit nervous.

- "Do you have a brother, Stephanos?"

- "No, I don't, Sire. Why?"

- "So You are the one looking after your master."

- "Yes …" he said casting down his eyes.

- "Take me to him, Stephanos."

- "To whom, Sire?"

- "You know who; tell me what happened?"

Stephanos was about to start his explanation when a little blond boy interrupted:

"Master, breakfast is ready"

"That's fine, Lysander, let's go, join me and share the morning meal with us, Stephanos."

The page followed them, one the former Chiliarch of the Macedonian Empire, the other a small boy , not taller than Hephaestion's waist, walking slowly towards the house; they sat at the table where another blonde, this time a young woman, was already sat, holding a one-year old boy; she greeted him and continued feeding the baby. Hephaestion explained Stephanos that she was Cassandra, the former owner of the farm, who due to debts and the sudden death of her husband, had been forced to sell it. Hephaestion, knowing about this tragedy, let her and her two little sons stay there with him. She was in charge of the kitchen and the house chores.

Hephaestion served him and they ate in silence. When the breakfast was over, Hephaestion approached the woman and told her he was going to be away for a couple of days, and that she would be in charge of the farm with the help of the eldest groom. She nodded and bade them farewell.

They arrived when Helios was going down on the horizon. They rode through the open gates and greeted the soldiers posted there, who were astonished to see the former General. They rode passed the palace and Hephaestion asked where they were going and Stephanos said that Alexander was not staying in the main part of the palace but in the furthest wing, the one next to the back garden, Hephaestion's secluded spot in the building.

A groom took the horses and Helena let them enter the kitchen where she was preparing the evening meal.

"By Zeus, you are back" she said hugging her son and greeting Hephaestion with a wide smile, "Joy to you, master Amyntoros"

"Helena, is that Stephanos's voice the one I hear?" asked a very familiar voice which brought tears to the former Chiliarch's eyes.

"Yes, Sire, he's on his way to see you" answered Helena and added "Why don't you surprise Alexander?"

"I don't know, will he let me in after five years?" Hephaestion asked nervously.

"I am sure he will."

Hephaestion entered the dark room, walked to his former lover's side and said, with his baritone voice:

"You never liked the darkness, Xander"

Alexander gasped and answered mumbling:

"She has … she has been my companion for nearly a year, Phai"

"That's what I heard" added Hephaestion while sitting next to him, feeling uneasy.

"How are you doing, Xander?"

"Fine Hephaestion, tell me about you and your family" Alexander asked with a tiny voice.

"Family? I don't have a family of my own, the army was my family, you knew that."

"But Theo told me about a woman and a baby"

"She is Cassandra, Lysander and baby Philip but they aren't my family. So how are you?"

"Fine, I already told you"

"Don't lie to me, Xander, tell me the truth" Hephaestion warned.

"You may not like it" Alexander assured.

"I came all the way back to you to listen to it" the brunette said.

"I don't want to press you, I really don't know were to start ….." he hesitated.

"Let's listen all the way from the beginning …"

Alexander sat facing Hephaestion and even though he couldn't see him, he could feel the warm eyes on his face, so he swallowed deeply and started his confession:

"FOR ALL THOSE TIMES YOU STOOD BY ME, and there were many,

FOR ALL THE TRUTH THAT YOU MADE ME SEE, because you were always the most rational of us,

FOR ALL THE JOY YOU BROUGHT TO MY LIFE, which was dull and dark before you appeared,

FOR ALL THE WRONG THAT YOU MADE RIGHT, and with that you made me a better person,

FOR EVERY DREAM YOU MADE COME TRUE, and you worked hard by my side to make them happen,

FOR ALL THE LOVE I FOUND IN YOU, you are a constant source of pure love,

I WILL BE FOREVER THANKFUL BABY, and there won't be a day that I won't thank you,

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HELD ME UP, NEVER LET ME FALL, because you were strong enough to hold both up,

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SAW ME THROUGH IT ALL, and you still stuck by my side."

Hephaestion sighed and whispered: "I left you five years ago …"

"Every man has its limits and we were living difficult times at that moment, you with a lot of doubts, me with my head full of stupid ideas about glory and power" said Alexander, trying to justify his friend's decision. "Please let me go on until I have no more words …"

"YOU WERE MY STRENGTH WHEN I WAS WEAK, and you were so powerful that I only knew that when you went,

YOU WERE MY VOICE WHEN I COULDN'T SPEAK, because you had been the only one who could read my eyes and my body,

YOU WERE MY EYES WHEN I COULDN'T SEE, because I was blind with my own vanity,

YOU SAW THE BEST THERE WAS IN ME, and you believed in me and my dreams,

LIFTED ME UP WHEN I COULDN'T REACH, and held me tight till I could walk again by myself,

YOU HAVE ME FAITH 'COZ YOU BELIEVED I could really make the world change

I AM EVERYTHING I AM BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME, but I realized that when it was too late."

"I still love you" Hephaestion whispered so low that Alexander didn't listen to him.

"YOU GAVE ME WINGS AND MADE ME FLY, and feel I was a god in heaven,

YOU TOUCHED MY HAND I COULD TOUCH THE SKY, because I felt protected having you by my side,

I LOST MY FAITH when my father was killed and YOU GAVE IT BACK TO ME,

YOU SAID NO STAR WAS OUT OF REACH, and because of you I learnt that impossible is nothing,

YOU STOOD BY ME AND I STOOD TALL, because you made me feel proud of what I achieved,

I HAD YOUR LOVE, I HAD IT ALL, because it was my biggest treasure,

I'M GRATEFUL FOR EACH DAY YOU GAVE ME, but I'd like to have more,

MAYBE I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH, BUT I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE, now and forever,

I WAS BLESSED by the Olympians when they gifted you to me and BECAUSE I WAS LOVED BY YOU, my moon, my soul mate, my everything."

Hephaestion let his tears run freely down his cheeks, he wanted to stand up, take Alexander in his arms and ask him to stop talking because he was forgiven, because he loved him so much and his life had been hell since he left him but the former Chiliarch also knew that Alexander needed to pour his soul out and so he remained in silence, listening and nestling his love in his heart.

"YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, even when you were away,

THE TENDER WIND THAT CARRIED ME and kept me in motion when I didn't have more strength,

A LIGHT IN THE DARK SHINING YOUR LOVE INTO MY LIFE, because you were my lighthouse in the storm and the house to come back when the calm was back,

YOU'VE BEEN MY INSPIRATION, my faithful muse and patron,

THROUGH THE LIES YOU WERE THE TRUTH, and your wisdom solved many problems,

MY WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE BECAUSE OF YOU but I would resign from my whole Empire to have you back in my arms because you are the world to me" the golden man said.

Alexander remained silent and his eyes wandered around the room as if he could still see, he knew that Hephaestion was there, his body had that smell, Alexander recognized it so well, a mixture of sandal wood and something so Phai that he had never been able to know what. Suddenly he felt movement behind him and a pair of strong and muscled arms wound around his waist, a shaved chin set on his bare shoulder; a soft cheek rubbed against his and a pair of warm lips travelled up to the corner of his lips, leaving a butterfly kiss on it. Alexander released a sigh and he turned round in Hephaestion's arms and he was tightly hugged by the former General. Hephaestion sat down and made Alexander rest his head on his lap, he caressed his scalp and ran his slender fingers through the blonde curls and cried as he had never cried before, his tears fell on Alexander's face and on his eyes and the former conqueror and his lover fell asleep. A soft warm light illuminated the room and a phoenix appeared on the windowsill. It flew around the sleeping lovers and mixed his healing tears with Hephaestion's love tears and batting his colourful wings swiftly, it disappeared.

Hephaestion woke up first and spent a long time looking at the king of his heart sleep, it seemed as if he was getting younger, his face less wrinkled and the deep frown had disappeared, even his colour was better. He caressed his cheek tenderly and Alexander opened his eyes and then he closed them again, he tried again and said:

"Phai, you are here"

"Yes, Xander, calm down, you feel asleep, I am here, I got you" said Hephaestion with a shooting voice.

"I see you, Phai" said Alexander.

"What?"

"I can see you or is it a dream? By Zeus, if it is a dream, I don't want to wake up!" he said getting nervous.

"It is not a dream, Alex, I am here, let me open the curtains and have a look at your eyes" said Hephaestion approaching the window; and there he saw it and he had no doubt that a miracle had happened.

Hephaestion embraced Alexander and took him back to the dinning room; there were many people waiting for Hephaestion's reappearance and everybody was astonished to see Alexander walking by himself and so steadily.

"Master Amyntoros, what have you done to Alexander?" asked Helena taking his hands between hers.

"Nothing, I think the gods had intervened in favour of their son."

"Don't be so humble, Phai, you brought me back my wish to live again" said Alexander, entwining his fingers with Hephaestion's.

"So any announcement to make, Hephaestion?" asked Ptolemy who was smiling.

"Yes, tell the Macedonian Army to get ready for their King's return shortly."

"And his Chiliarch, I'd be nothing without you" said Alexander looking at Hephaestion lovingly and everybody cheered and laughed because everything was again as it always had been.

Finis.

Author's note: Extract taken from Wikipedia: A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (sun city in Greek). It is said that the bird's tears contain healing abilities of pureness, and their cry is that of a beautiful song.

If you want, click here for the song: .com/watch?v=9CkKuA86Mis&feature=related


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